Despite announcing their retirement last week, aging German rockers, The Scorpions, have found that a band of their world-renown simply can't quit and expect to live out their golden years with a fishing pole and a cooler of off-brand beer.

The Scorpions song "Winds of Change" served as the tear-jerking backdrop for the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, and amazingly, many Germans feel they haven't heard that old chestnut enough. To that end, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said she would be signing an emergency measure to press the band back on the road as a form of national service.

She wasn't yet sure when the band might be released from their national obligation, but was quick to point out that there was also the matter of a binding umbrella contract with the dark lord, Beezlebub, that allowed the band to reach the heights of stardom in the first place.

Photo used under CC license from Tim Yates

Stay classy, beaver!

Ninety years ago, when the magazine began, beavers were more than just a source of mirth-making and double-entendre- they were the lifeblood of the booming Hudson valley fur trade. Unfortunately for the publication, this move had the opposite effect, since over half the subscriber base was hoping that the magazine was indeed, porn. I think this is what Canadian songstress Alanis Morrisette would call ironic, don'tcha think?

Photo used under CC license from stevehdc

In a startling move, the normally reliable sea lion population at Pier 39 in San Francisco have packed their bags and headed for the Oregon coast. There are many theories on why this is happening- from food shortages, to changes in water temperature, to pollution, to a combination of all of these. The most likely theory, however, is that the sea lions have suddenly developed a much deeper intelligence and have finally realized that the spot they call home smells like complete and utter s%&@.

Photo used under CC license from wallyg.

Artwork image used by CC license from id-iom.

Urban therapists have diagnosed their conditions, free of charge.

Who the hell marries a guy like Charlie Sheen and doesn't expect to have a knife put to their throat on Christmas? If you review the vows, he probably even told you it was going to happen. I'm sure he seems nice enough, but Charlie Sheen isn't the real problem. It's his alter-ego, Carlos Irwin Estevez, you have to watch out for. Charlie Sheen will buy you chocolate and furs for Christmas, but Carlos will carve your face like a Christmas goose if you don't keep him entertained.

Photo used under CC license from johnnieutah.

As ridiculous as this man's reaction may sound, it is oddly reminiscent of a tale from 17th century France when a mason was denied compensation for repairs he made to one of the famous buttresses of Notre Dame cathedral. The artisan was informed that his payment would be in the form of eternal glory rather than coin, and the man rode his horse full speed into the church. The horse was not badly injured, but the man was hanged.

Photo used under CC license from D. [SansPretentionAucune]

You seriously don't need to go any of these places. Go towards the light.

Those pictures that NASA takes of the earth at night are rad and all, but have you noticed how well they also work as a detailed map of dangerous and boring places? You just have to read between the lights a little and the most desolate places on earth will reveal themselves to you. That's not to say that the places with lights cannot be dangerous, too, but at least somebody might hear you when you cry out for help. If you venture out into dark territory, there's no telling if you'll ever see another human being again. If you must go, at least take a gun with you so you can shoot yourself when you can't take the boredom any longer.*

* Please note, there is most likely a dimly lit Starbucks in all of the places I've marked up above, so bring your gift cards.

Original image from NASA.

The Pentagon reported today that insurgents in the Middle East have been tapping into the unmanned drone aircraft that are used heavily for reconnaissance and air support. It turns out that the drones have been sending out un-encrypted video signals for quite some time, and that the groups like Al-Qaeda and the Taliban have been able to monitor their activities with the help of an off-the-shelf video monitoring software called "Sky Grabber" (I bet the Sky Grabber execs have spent more than a few hours on the waterboard at GITMO, eh?).

So, if they are capable of hacking into some of our most technologically advanced military aircraft, then what's next? I think we can logically assume then that if you've got an un-encrypted wi-fi connection, the insurgents are most likely stealing your internets as we speak! I don't know if you've noticed the lag, but my connection has been pretty slow lately, so this totally makes sense.

My first reaction is to button that thing right up, but the Pentagon has asked us all to pause a moment and consider before shutting off their open access. It was roughly estimated that Taliban forces have downloaded the most recent Harry Potter film "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" over 27,000 times last month and nothing is more effective of the front lines than a good, old fashioned, cultural bombardment. In fact, if you can work it out, see if you can get them to watch "Fast Times At Ridgemont High", and we should have the troops back home by Lincoln's Birthday.

Photo by the USAF.